Dearest Loved One,
I wanted to write you today because I heard you are expecting again. This news fills me with sadness, envy, jealousy, and joy, I promise, there is joy. Please know that I love you and in no way blame you for my pain and anguish. I fully recognize and own my issues around my Infertility. This letter is more for my own healing and in no way takes away from the joy I feel for you and the news that you’re expecting again.
When I heard the news that you were expecting again my heart sank. I immediately felt jealousy because it is so easy for you while I have spent countless lonely moments in tears because my period has come yet again. I am envious that you merely had to decide you wanted another child and it happened. I also feel like a horrible person because I know I took some of the joy out of your moment because you worried about how your news would make me feel.
I have never known what it feels like to just get pregnant and likely never will. I’m grateful that you have never had to feel that pain because it truly is a debilitating feeling. I’m grateful to have someone like you in my life. Someone who does all they can to try to understand and be there for me. Someone who listens to me voice my frustrations and sometimes just cry. Your love and friendship means the world to me that is why it saddens me to think that I may be the cause of any worry or anguish in the face of your joyful news.
Please forgive me for needing space and time to process your news. I need time to let the pain pass. I will need time to muster up the joy because it’s sometimes hard to fight through the sadness. I wish I could be that person that squeals and smiles and hugs you tightly when you deliver your happy news. You have no idea how much I wish I could be that person. That is not where I’m at though. Please never doubt that despite all of that, I do feel joy for you and once I’ve fought through all of the other garbage I will be there to share in your joy.
Please know that I am happy for you and I will be there, smiling and loving your little angel when they arrive in this world. I will do my best to hide my envy, jealousy and pain because I love you and I don’t want to take any joy away from you.
So to my fertile loved one, thank you for honoring and respecting my pain.
P.S. If this post resonated with you then check out some of my other posts on Infertility. They outline our journey with Infertility and the struggles I have had.