When You Think About Sex, Do You Think About Infertility?

Sex.  We spend our teenage years likely stumbling through it and our twenties experimenting with it and hoping we don’t get pregnant.  Then something changes, whether that be in our twenties, thirties or forties and we decide we no longer wish to prevent pregnancy.  Instead, our minds start wandering to rounded bellies, chubby faces and cute baby clothes.  That’s when sex changes.  If you are one of the many struggling with Infertility, no matter how you try, sex stops being the spontaneous, fun and feel good activity it used to me.  When you think about sex, do you think about Infertility?  I didn’t  until I did.

Suddenly, sex becomes work!   There is just no getting around it.  The first year you still hold on to some of that spontaneity but you start to track when your ovulation is supposed to be happening and amp up your time under the sheets during the peak fertile times.  After two years maybe you’re tracking a couple of ways.  After three, four, five, EIGHT years sex has lost that carefree and spontaneous feeling altogether.  You begin looking at sex as a task on your to-do list and dare I say it, you kind of dread it at times.

I’m not sure exactly when sex started to feel like work to me but I do know that when I got there I was sad.  I remember the woman that looked forward to having sex with her husband, any time of day and any day of the week.  I miss that woman because I miss how carefree and spontaneous she was.  I blinked and she was gone and was somehow replaced with this woman who took her temperature every day, checked her cervix and tracked any other fertility signs she thought would help pinpoint the perfect moment for sex.  That moment that would bring her the miracle pregnancy she’d been dreaming of.  I don’t like this second woman and I wish she would leave permanently and give me the fun, sex loving woman back.  When you think about sex, do you think about Infertility?

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When you’re a couple, struggling to get pregnant it’s so easy to fall into the sex is work rut, especially if you’re talking in terms of years.  I love my husband so much and we’re still very connected but something has been damaged in our intimate relationship.  No matter how I try I can’t completely shake the blah woman who just cares about the end result of getting pregnant.  Don’t get me wrong, there have been moments over the past eight years when the carefree woman is able to say, “F This!” and barrels her way past the other woman.  Those moments I feel completely myself, like an essential part of me has returned.  I cling to those moments, because unfortunately, they don’t usually stay for long.  I just wake up one morning and the carefree woman has left again and the fertility sign checking, perfect timing, and chart watching woman has returned.  This usually happens after a setback in our Fertility journey or an over-abundance of pregnancy announcements.  Whatever triggers it, it always results in my doubled-down efforts to pinpoint that perfect moment for conception.

I always knew that sex in a relationship changed as the years progress, what I didn’t anticipate was Infertility and what a bastard it would be on my sex life.  Sex is not everything in a relationship but let’s face it when you start seeing it as a task on your to-do list rather than the pleasurable activity it is meant to be something gets damaged in the way a couple connects intimately.  I miss that connection and I wish I had a magic answer to all the women out there that are feeling the same way I do.  Is the answer therapy?  Is it finally getting pregnant?  If you figure it out please pass it on to me because I will gladly accept it.

Some would say that there are so many other ways you can connect as a couple, and they are right, but let’s not lie to ourselves here.  Sex is a very important part of a relationship and when that fundamental connection is broken in any way it changes the dynamic of your relationship.  I hope that my husband and I will be able to repair it one day and with time, healing and God Willing a baby maybe we will.  For now, I am in a place where two women struggle for control in the world of my sex life.  I’m rooting for the carefree woman.

When you think about sex, do you think about Infertility?

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7 thoughts on “When You Think About Sex, Do You Think About Infertility?

  1. It’s definitely a drag when it’s all about banking sperm. The worst part is when you know you have to do it TODAY at all costs but the other half can’t or doesn’t want to – I recall feeling homicidal. “TTC” for me was horrible and I’m glad it’s over. I did a few months of taking my temperature on waking to pinpoint the correct day (before I discovered OPKs) which gave me chronic insomnia (not closing my eyes all night, because I knew I had to sleep in order to wake up and get the right temp) that is still very bad to this day. My heart goes out to anyone going through that crap.

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  2. For the first few years it was all about TTC for me, even if I didn’t say anything to him. I was miserable, and he could tell. I had made the mistake with my ex of talking about it all the time. So, I try to pretend it isn’t about TTC, even though it’s planned and timed and urgent, with my SO now. I try to let him have fun with it, even if I am not into it.

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  3. I’m back! I think I have discovered the cure for this. When you find a reason to stop “needing” sex and you can just “want” sex, that’s when sex stops relating directly to infertility. When I commented in October we were in the midst of trying ovarian stim meds (Letrozole) and medication-stimulated ovulation (HCG trigger shots) with intercourse at home. Since then we have taken a small break and sought a new doctor and we HOPE to start IVF this month, or next. Our doctor is revolutionizing IVF, and he has helped us to rediscover fun sex. He says don’t abstain. In fact, he says to have sex whenever and however we want, even the day before we get a semen sample or do an egg retrieval. Sex is no longer a part of the process for us. We are taking sex out of the baby-making equation, and suddenly I want to have sex again. It was that easy. Do I still think, “I wonder if I’ll get pregnant”? Yes, but I no longer care so much. I know we are doing the one thing that HAS to work for us, because if this doesn’t work we were never going to get pregnant (and stay pregnant) anyway. Google MCRM fertility. They’re doing amazing things!

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