I have decided to return to working outside of my home. I am doing this for two reasons, one is that financially, it is necessary for me to do so in order to reach our goal. The second is that in this moment in my life, I want to return to work. I have cherished the moments I have had with Addie over the past year and I wouldn’t have traded them for anything but now that she has started school I feel that it is time for me to go back to work. That realization was exciting but as soon as I secured a job the mom guilt immediately kicked in.
You know the mom guilt. That little voice in your head that tells you that you should be there for your child. That voice that tells you that your child should be enough. The voice that tells you that you’re going to miss so much. That voice is a Bitch. I thought for sure I’d get at least a month in before that voice kicked in but I was very wrong. Before I even started work it kicked in. Then when I dropped Addie off at school, on only the second day that she had been going, gosh that hurt. I already missed our time and yearned to be standing there with open arms to greet her after school, like I had done the day before. To make it worse, she started daycare and Matt started his new job all in the same week. Needless to say, Addie was a bit clingy and has delivered more than one, “mommy I so sad when you weave me.” Insert knife and twist.
The guilt is rough and even though I wanted to return to work it didn’t make it any easier. Add on the logistics of now juggling three crazy schedules and trying to figure out how to do that thing called meal cooking and housework and I could already feel myself getting sucked into that working mom abyss. I had forgotten how tough it was, on top of the guilt. I am going to do my best to ensure that I don’t get sucked into the trap of feeling like I need to do it all, though. I want this time to be different. I’m going to let go of my need to control everything and ask for help. I have Matt, after all, we’re a team. I’m also going to ensure that I’m scheduling time for myself. I don’t want to give up those things that I do just for me, yoga, meditation, reading and this blog. I know now that I need to make that a priority in order to be at the top of my game. When I neglect Me the crazy comes out and that’s no fun for anyone around me.
I am excited about my new job. I was lucky enough to land a job in my hometown, so I’m able to walk to and from work each day, bonus for extra exercise that I don’t have to try to schedule in! I will be managing the office of my hometown newspaper and I’m really excited about it. It will allow me to get reacquainted with the people in my hometown and still allow me some flexibility to be there for Addie if I need to. Her daycare is one block away from where I work, as is her school, dance and gymnastics classes. The joys of a small town. This job is not completely outside the realm of what I was doing in that there is a good amount of customer service but it’s outside the industry that I was working in so it’s a big enough change that it feels new and exciting. Change is good and I felt like it was time to go back to work so I’m excited for what the future holds.
There are things that I miss about being a SAHM, just as there were things I missed about being a Working Mom. Both come with their sacrifices and not such fun days, for me, it was about doing what felt was right for me and my family. Of course, there is that bit of necessary in that my going back to work is a part of the process in reaching our Big Goal, but it was a necessary that I was finally ready for. At the end of the day, I have to do what feels right and listen to myself and trust that my intuition and God will not lead me in the wrong direction. Plus, there is the added joy of having Addie run full speed at me, squealing and reaching for a hug. There is something special about those moments.
Have you recently made the switch from SAHM to WAHM or vice verse? How have you dealt with the changes that switch has brought? Do you feel guilty? I would love to hear from you.