There is an inner battle that goes on for a woman struggling with Infertility. That battle is whether to accept the fact that she won’t ever carry and birth her own child or to keep trying. This is not to be mistaken with the feeling of despair and just not wanting to feel it anymore. One is an acceptance of what is not meant to be and the other is giving up because the pain is too much to bear. One choice over the other does not make a woman stronger or weaker, it just means she has chosen to remove the pain of Infertility the best way she knows how. Today I’m speaking of acceptance .
When Is It Time To Accept Infertility?
Let me preface this post by saying, I know how lucky Matt and I are. We did eventually know the joy of having a child. I don’t want any woman to feel like I take that for granted. I know how it feels to listen to a woman speak about pregnancy and having children as if it were no big deal or worse, a burden. The one gift Infertility gives is that you don’t take for granted the gift of having a child.
I have been on the side of despair and feeling like I just can’t handle the heartbreak anymore. I was there more times than I can count before we had our beautiful Addie. I am painfully familiar with not wanting to feel that anymore but I just couldn’t give the pain up. I suppose because a part of me knew that our angel was on her way. I firmly believe that a woman knows when it is time to surrender to Infertility and when to brush herself off and keep pushing through.
The Inner Struggle
At this stage in our Infertility struggle, I have reached the side that begins to believe that maybe it isn’t meant to be. I haven’t fully reached the acceptance yet and I know this because though I tell myself it’s time to let go, I still chart my cycle and time intercourse. The despair is no longer there, for the most part, it’s more of a calm realization.
When you start moving towards acceptance and moving on there is a struggle that you go through where your inner-self starts to tell you that maybe it’s time but your heart isn’t quite there yet. My inner-self comforts me and tells me it’s okay to accept that it won’t happen, that I’ll be alright but my heart doesn’t want to believe it just yet, so it tells my inner-self to hold on for just a bit longer. You can do it, my heart says and my inner-self is appeased for the moment and we trudge on.
My inner-self tells me that we can adopt, that we could be blessed with a child who won’t be able to be cared for by its mother. We could adopt, but there is the financial cost that comes with that, as well as the waiting. There’s always foster care adoption but that comes with its own risks. We’ve done so much waiting, can we really do more? Then there is the thought that we can and should be happy with the family that we already are. I love the family that we are, that isn’t such a bad thing to trade for giving up my infertility. My heart says, not yet, though. Which do I trust, my heart or my inner-self?
Infertility Is A Part Of Me
Then there is the one thing that no one tells you about infertility. Infertility has become a part of who I am. How do I let go of a piece of who I am? At this point, I don’t know if I’m struggling to keep fighting because I know that we will come out the other side with a child or if I don’t know how to let go of something that has been such a huge part of me.
Who am I without my Infertility? Maybe I’m scared to find out, as messed up as that sounds. Infertility is like a toxic relationship that you know you should cut from your life but you also can’t imagine living without. The real struggle is knowing when something can be salvaged and when it’s time to let go.
I don’t know yet if my struggle should be over, part of me believes it’s like it was before and that something inside me knows it will work out the way I hope and dream. Part of me is not so sure. Until I can discern which side is the truth and which side may be me just holding on to a toxic relationship, my inner struggle continues. In the words of Elizabeth Taylor…
Do you feel like Infertility has become a part of who you are? I would love to hear your answers to the question….
When Is It Time To Accept Infertility?